Don't Seek Approval From Others

An old coworker got in touch with me yesterday.  I hadn't spoken to him for about 15 years, but we seemed to slot into exactly the same relationship we had had when worked together.  I had been a bit higher up the food chain than him.  Even though we were no longer in the hierarchy that we used to be, indeed that particular hierarchy no longer exists, I still found myself dispensing advice and instructions to him as if he was my junior.


In this particular case it helped that I am a bit older than him as well.  But I am still in contact with other people from the same place of work and with them I don't have any such authority thing going on in any direction.  This particular guy is a perfectly normal specimen of humanity - with strengths, weaknesses, faults and virtues the same as any of us.  But the thing that always struck me about him, and it struck other people too, was just how much he craved other people's approval.

This took some fairly bizarre forms at times.  For example he would often compare the job he did to similar ones at bigger companies.  I suppose it made his job seem bigger.  He would also treat every thing he did that didn't actually go wrong as a positive success.  And when things went wrong, this being R and D they often did, he would always find someone else to blame.

It made me realise that the constant seeking of approval from others is really a very self limiting trait.  It gives others a power over you that they can easily use to actually control you.  Even though I had no desire whatever to do so, I found myself somewhat dominating him in a 10 minute phone call.  I remember he was always frustrated at his lack of promotion at work.  But frankly, had he ever been put in charge of anyone they would have wound him round their finger.

He was also still bitter because he had been 'got rid of' as he put it.  I remember very well the day that he and several others got made redundant.  I can imagine that he remembered it even better.   It is a shame that even after this time he couldn't see it in perspective.

Ultimately, if you want be happy there is one and only one person whose opinion really matters. Don't rely on others for validation.  It doesn't actually matter how clever or able you are.  Think of a singer in a concert.  He will no doubt have the best voice in the room.  But it is the approval of the tone deaf people in the room that matters to him.  Don't live your life like that.  Create your own flat hierarchy with yourself bang in the middle of it.

 photo credit: UK Parliament via photopin cc